Jan
by Digital Tempest
Summary: A wrestling parody of Stan, Lita has a very interesting stalker.


**Title:** Jan   
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Author:** [Tempest][1]   
**site:** [wwfdiva.port5.com][2]   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters recognizable from the WWFE or 'Stan'. No copyright infringement intended.   
Author's notes: This is what happens when I get bored. LMAO! 

* * * * *

She likes to dream that she is Lita   
And her hair is fire red.  
Her trillion thongs take up the washer  
She bought 10 Lita shirts  
Just put the Swanton Bomb on her own sister  
And she'd like to try again  
She says she's a diva and she's 2xtreme  
She's 2xtreme... 

She likes to dream that she is Lita   
And her hair is fire red.  
Her trillion thongs take up the washer  
She bought 10 Lita shirts  
Just put the Swanton Bomb on her own sister  
And she'd like to try again  
She says she's a diva and she's 2xtreme  
She's 2xtreme.. 

Dear Lita,   
I wrote you four letters last week.   
I asked about how to do your famous hurricane Lita   
I sent you five pictures back in Autumn, I hope you got 'em   
Here's another pic of me in my red bikini bottom.   
Anyway, forget it, what's been up? How are the Hardy's   
My boyfriend's name is Matt, too, but sometimes I call him Jeff   
I changed my middle name last week, guess what it is is Lita?   
My new name is Lita.   
Mom wouldn't let me change the first. I'm really sorry.   
I had an exfriend, Pam, who laughed at you. I nearly lost it.   
I know you probably hear this everday, but I'm your biggest fan.   
I got a room full of posters off the net from your fans.   
I just got a naked pic of you from a perv named Stan.   
Anyways, I hope you get this,chic,write me back, just to chat, forever yours, your biggest fan,   
This is Jan. 

She likes to dream that she is Lita   
And her hair is fire red.  
Her trillion thongs take up the washer  
She bought 10 Lita shirts  
Just put the Swanton Bomb on her own sister  
And she'd like to try again  
She says she's a diva and she's 2xtreme  
She's 2xtreme... 

Dear Lita,   
You still haven't called or wrote I hope you have a chance.   
I ain't mad, I just think its best if you answer this fan.   
If you didn't want to talk to me after Smackdown that time you didn't have to.   
You didn't have to but you coulda signed my shirt - "To my Biggest Fan"   
That hurt my feelings I almost turned and ran.   
I forgive you Lita but please show me love.   
And next time you should sign my chest.   
It's pretty shitty what SCSA did to you.   
I tried to break into his car just to get revenge just for you.   
I didn't make it very far, security is a bitch.   
I was going to cut his brake line, (but my sister is a snitch)   
And leave him a cheao wine to let him know Coors suck.   
I need a little advice, I'm kinda stuck.   
I was wondering if I should dye my hair red?   
I want to be just like you, mom says if I dye my hair I'm dead.   
And I have something to tell you, you'll think it is the best   
I just got a tattoo of your name across my chest.   
Sometimes I jump off my roof to see how you feel.   
Mom told me if I didn't stop she'd make me start taking pills.   
I told her I couldn't take them because you said drugs were bad.   
I even heard her praying one day that this was just a fad.   
But she doesn't know you like I do no one does.   
She don't know what it's like for divas like us, struttin' our stuff. 

You gotta call me. I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose. Forever yours, Jan.   
P.S. - We should be together, too. 

She likes to dream that she is Lita   
And her hair is fire red.  
Her trillion thongs take up the washer  
She bought 10 Lita shirts  
Just put the Swanton Bomb on her own sister  
And she'd like to try again  
She says she's a diva and she's 2xtreme  
She's 2xtreme... 

Dear Ms. I'm-too-good-to-write-my-biggest-fan,   
This'll be the last tape I send your candy ass.   
You see my alliance to the Rock, that's right.   
I hope you get the people's elbow.   
You don't deserve to have him touch you though.   
So this is my tape I'm sending you. I hope you hear it.   
I went in the Lita chatroom today and said you weren't shit.   
I think this was part of your real mean plan, but one day I will call you fan   
One day you'll want me to sign your shirt and I'll just turn my back.   
Fame has went to your head as a matter of fact.   
I think you're sucky you get beat worse than I do.   
You won't last long with that bad attitude no one finds it cute.   
I hate to curse you, but I hope you get the boot.   
I hope you know I ripped all your posters off the wall.   
I loved you Lita, we could have fought together think about it.   
You ruined it now I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it.   
And when you dream, I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it.   
I hope you conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me.   
See Lita *hysterical screaming* SHUT UP SIS! I"M TRYING TO TALK!   
Hey Lita, that's my sister in the back, but I didn't hit her.   
She's just watching Rikishi give Steph the stinkface   
She'll be traumatized for life and it'll be your fault.   
Well, I gotta go, The tape is almost gone off.   
I gotta go rewind it so sis can suffer more.   
*footsteps* *punching noises* "HAHAHA LITTLE SISTER STRIKES AGAIN, JAN." *Running* 

She likes to dream that she is Lita   
And her hair is fire red.  
Her trillion thongs take up the washer  
She bought 10 Lita shirts  
Just put the Swanton Bomb on her own sister  
And she'd like to try again  
She says she's a diva and she's 2xtreme  
She's 2xtreme... 

Dear Jan,   
I meant to write you sooner, but I've just been busy.   
You said your boyfriend's name is Matt, how old is he?   
Look, I'm really flattered you want to be like me.   
Here's another autograph I'm sorry   
To make up for after the show   
I'm sorry about what happened at the show, I had a bad cold.   
Don't think I did that intentionally just to diss you.   
I think it's time we got a few things straight about me right now.   
My name is Amy Christine Dumas,   
Lita is just a character.   
It's just T.V. Jan, And I'm just one of many actors.   
If you want to wrestle, you need to go to wrestling school.   
It's a lot of hard work and it won't be much fun.   
But that's the price each and every one of us paid for this.   
And Off the record, Matt and I are not together.   
Matt and I are just good friends from way back in the day.   
I think you're just a little obsessed with being my character.   
I think that if you be yourself, you'll be doing just fine.   
You'll never be truly happy unless you're true to yourself, Jan.   
You've lost touch with reality, you're living in a fantasy land.   
The world you see on T.V. isn't real.   
Please don't get the wrong idea I'm glad that you're my fan, I try to inspire   
all girls. But Jan please realize you might need some help.   
I really have to go now, but I enclosed a special surprise.   
It's a blue diamond studded thong with my picture on the front.   
Enjoy! And please write Lita..er..I mean me again soon.   
Amy 

   [1]: mailto:digitaltempest0837@yahoo.com
   [2]: http://wwfdiva.port5.com



End file.
